There are areas in life that we just do not speak of enough. Mental Health is one of those topics.
Sure we speak of it in general, we give advice, but only the younger generations are starting to really talk about it let alone in a manner that is really helpful.
I am a Gen X Veteran. So this discussion is almost like talking about sex was for my grandparents. My mother was a hippie, so I could have talked to her about that if I desired to. Even with that in mind, this discussion is important enough that I must overcome the generational taboos and speak. Without the discussions of those in my generation or older, others may lack the confidence to speak for themselves, get help for themselves, or in the worst cases, choose to remove themselves.
Without revealing too much about my role at work, I can say that my team has had a drastic shake up and a massive shift in how we perform our tasks.
The shake up resulted in the best “boss” that I have ever had going into retirement two years before they intended to. I use boss in quotes as he was not a boss. he was a true leader and would step into the yoke to share the load as needed. Always working with us, teaching us, helping us develop professionally, and I am very fortunate to say, being a friend to us.
His abrupt retirement was very difficult for us, and me. It took a week or two for me to identify that the mental challenges and confusion were due to my mourning him. He had not passed, he was merely not in the sphere of influence on a daily basis. Yes, I can call, text, send silly shit via messenger/facebook. but it really is not the same as getting the sarcasm, jokes, etc. tossed over the cube wall. There is genuine love for the person, the friend, and mentor. Once I was able to identify that I was grieving, the process became easier.
There are said to be five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
Denial – Check! I did not want to believe that he needed to retire, even though I had suggested that he may need to to protect himself from some individuals that were… problematic.
Anger – Check! Oh, I am still on this one. I am quite angry. I would be quite interested to hear from professionals that deal with cardiac patients on this one. After each heart attack, I went through weeks of deep seated anger. It was not easy to break free of it. I have to wonder if the healing process there is similar to these five stages.
Bargaining – Nope, not yet. Perhaps because it was not due to his passing. I know that I can reach out in a second and he would be my sage counsel.
Depression – I will say check, but I have an amazing support system led by a wonderful, loving wife, and loving friends. You may question the friends being loving. I do not for an instant hesitate with that. My real friends know that I love them. They help me in ways that they likely do not know. They may not even be aware of that one well timed joke, or silly meme may have meant the world to me at the instant that I need it.
I have other friends who do know that their empathic nature is able to pierce even the best crafted mask that I may be trying to hide behind. I can hide nothing from them. Three of them know it, and they are kind/wise enough to use those abilities only when it is really needed. They leave me my dignity and modesty intact. They instead simply peek in on me, letting me respectfully lower my mask and allow them in to help as needed. I suspect that each of these three will read this post and know that they are one. They will just as likely know who the other two are. The three are deeply appreciated, respected, and cared for. (forever more)
I do openly admit that change is not always the easiest for me. I need clear processes and procedures to follow. You need to change one of those? Cool, I am good with that. It may take me a bit to remember the change, but I try to follow the written docs to help me build that new habit. Heck I tend to have the doc opened EVERY time I do some tasks just to make sure that something did not change since the last time I performed it (last week perhaps?).
Acceptance, well check. I have to accept that my friend is now retired. I am very happy that he is able to enjoy his retirement. Something I hope to do as well in about ten years.
That is the run down of the stages. There is nothing that says we have to hit them all. The important part is that we are aware of their likely appearance. If we know, then perhaps we can work through them with more ease. Of course things are rarely easy are they. It is easier to get into trouble than out of it often times…
So back to the topic of mental health as it relates to work.
When you wipe away the entire structure expecting that I and my compatriots will just knuckle down and fix it, you will meet resistance if it is not logical to us. If we think that what we are doing may not be fully legal, in the best interest for our employer, or not being safe from a cybersecurity aspect, you will likely encounter great resistance.
The tiers above a work group must provide a structure leaving the minions to rebuild it in a manner that you desire, that is all well and good. But… you fucking well better provide an authorized basis for them to perform those tasks. You cannot simply allow it to be the biggest get me a rock exercise in cyber history.
From my perspective (others will likely have their views and I respect them) my work world, one that my wife and I have pushed, fought for, and finally achieved was being wiped away in short order.
Some were aware that I had applied for a role (same role as before but a step up in pay/responsibility) that I wanted to stay in until retirement. I have co-workers that make up the best team that I have ever had the privilege of working with and learning from. Diverse, intelligent, funny, AND puts up with me?!? I mean damn! Jackpot!!
When the path being put forward by the bosses (notice, no quotes? these are BOSSES in the derogatory sense) lacks the semblance of making sense to my mind, I have a hard time getting behind it. almost thirty years ago, I sold used cars. How I HATED that job. I could not stand by it, or the practices of the dealerships. The same concept applies. If I cannot respect it, I want nothing to do with it.
After some contentious meetings, I came away from one especially pissed off. My wife was still working so I kept the dogs busy so she could finish up a meeting. Once that was over, I mowed the lawn and mentally stewed as I did. I had gotten a bunch of dead grass under my collar so I stepped into the shower. For some reason my mental world came crashing down in an instant without warning what so ever. BOOM! Say hello to an assload of tears. I mean uncontrollable sobbing. Over all it was cleansing and it stopped just as abruptly as it had started. That is an emotional mind fuck let me tell you.
Latter I shared my experiences with my wife. I sure do love her… She reminded me that I have a ton of sick leave stored. But I am a Gen X Veteran… and?
I had to admit, that it made sense. I also have to admit (yes as usual she is correct (and smarter than I)) it would be a wise move. Retreat from the contention, mentally regroup, and rebuild strength.
I alerted my (more than just) co-workers as to my intentions. The next morning I awoke thirty minutes before my alarm went off. My brain was already starting to work. I went down stairs and informed my acting manager that I had experience a work related injury, a mental fracture of some kind and that I was taking two days over before the weekend to try to get my head back in order.
Yep, it was a very non-Gen X Veteran action to take, so this old learned a new trick form a more current generation.
I was making facebook posts that made perfect sense to those that we helping me down this path, but not so much for others. Some that have known me since before I was born, others nearly as long noticed and called me out over their concern. I did have to do a few private chats as I was not ready to spill this many beans yet. I was still grappling with Gen X baggage.
This is me spilling all of that baggage, I am washing some of the laundry here right in front of you. Other laundry I will wash with my wife. So this brings us back to the importance of this discussion and why I am doing it in a public way.
Your mental health is critical to your well being. We cannot make you share. That is not our job.
Our job is to aid you in having a supportive environment around you so that you feel safe enough to share. Test the waters. If your support circle is anything like mine, you will be able to take a step, put weight on it, and find that those friends in that circle are prepared to take an arm and guide you to safety. Let them help you help yourself. More than likely they cannot fix your troubles but they can help you find the strength to find your way out. In the end, you and they will probably be better for it.
My circle has my back. I am not done fighting this, but I have my battle buddies and I would not give them up for anything.
That is my story, and I am sticking to it.
here for you