Gather ’round, because this old pirate has some fatherly advice, and I don’t particularly give a damn if it makes somebody uncomfortable.

Every young woman needs a secret bank account.

And if you’re raising a daughter, you ought to be helping her build one.

I’m not talking about a college fund, a wedding fund, or money for her first car.

I’m talking about an honest-to-God, get-the-fuck-out-of-Dodge fund.

An escape fund.

A little financial life raft that belongs to her and exists for one very important reason:

Nobody should ever have to stay with someone who makes them unsafe simply because they can’t afford to leave.

Parents, Start Building That Life Raft Now

If you’ve got a daughter, start putting money aside for her.

Use an age-appropriate account. When she’s old enough, make sure that money is under her independent control.

Birthday money, Christmas money, twenty bucks here, fifty bucks there. Whatever you can afford.

You don’t have to be rich to give your daughter a head start on her freedom.

And here’s the part that might ruffle a few feathers.

Keep that account private.

When she’s grown, nobody needs to know about it unless SHE chooses to tell them.

Not her boyfriend.

Not her fiancé.

Not her husband.

And parents, once that money belongs to her, don’t you dare treat it as something you can borrow from when your own finances get tight.

That account isn’t there to rescue the family from an unexpected bill.

It’s there to rescue your daughter if life ever puts her in a situation she needs to escape.

Ladies, If Nobody Started One for You, Start One Yourself

Maybe your parents never thought about this. Maybe they couldn’t afford it. Maybe nobody ever told them why it mattered.

Well, I’m telling you now.

Open an account of your own, preferably at a bank separate from any accounts you share with a partner.

Put money in it whenever you safely can.

Five bucks. Ten bucks. A little overtime money. Whatever you can squirrel away.

Don’t worry about how small it starts. Even the biggest treasure chest was empty before somebody dropped the first coin into it.

And no, you don’t need to tell your partner every time you make a deposit.

This money isn’t being saved for a rainy day.

It’s being saved in case the whole goddamn roof comes off.

Keeping Your Treasure Chest Private

Now, having a secret account doesn’t do you a whole hell of a lot of good if the bank sends a statement to your house and your partner opens it.

So let’s put a little thought into keeping this account private.

First, consider using your parents’ address.

If your parents are trustworthy, supportive, and willing to help protect your privacy, ask whether you can have your bank correspondence delivered to their home.

Maybe your parents don’t need to know every detail of your relationship or your finances. Maybe all they need to know is that you’re building a little financial independence.

And if your parents aren’t the right people for that job, consider another trusted person who would keep your confidence.

Second, consider renting a P.O. box.

A small P.O. box may be a relatively inexpensive way to keep sensitive correspondence from showing up in your household mailbox.

Prices vary by location, but compare the cost against what that privacy could mean for your future.

I would consider that money well spent.

Call it your happiness insurance.

You pay for car insurance hoping you’ll never need it.

You pay for homeowners insurance hoping the house never burns down.

Why the hell wouldn’t you invest a little money in protecting your ability to get yourself somewhere safe?

A P.O. box can also be useful for other personal correspondence you would prefer to keep private.

One important detail: a bank may still require your actual residential or business street address to verify your identity. Ask whether it can use a separate mailing address for statements and correspondence. Don’t provide false information to open the account.

Third, keep your banking separate.

Use a bank that isn’t connected to your household accounts.

Don’t add your partner as a joint owner.

Don’t give anyone else access to your debit card, password, or online banking.

If you use electronic statements, make sure they go to a private email address that your partner cannot access.

And for God’s sake, don’t use a shared email account.

Fourth, remember that your phone can give away your secrets.

Banking notifications, saved passwords, shared devices, synchronized email accounts, and transaction alerts can expose things you thought were private.

If someone else has access to your phone or computer, consider how they might discover the account.

And remember that moving money directly from a shared bank account may leave a transaction trail on the other account.

Privacy takes a little planning.

If you’re already in a controlling or abusive relationship, please don’t take unnecessary risks trying to establish this account. A domestic violence advocate can help you figure out what is safe for your particular circumstances.

The goal is to get yourself out of danger, not create more of it.

This Is NOT Your Regular Emergency Fund

Now listen up, because this part is every bit as important as opening the damn account.

YOU DO NOT DIP INTO THIS MONEY.

Not because the washing machine broke.

Not because the car needs new tires.

Not because Christmas is coming and you’re a little short.

Not because your partner really, really wants that new television, motorcycle, gaming system, hunting rifle, or whatever expensive toy has caught their eye this month.

I don’t give a flying fuck how good the sale is.

This money is not for that.

You need a regular emergency fund for life’s ordinary little disasters.

You need retirement savings.

You need money for vacations, home improvements, and all the other things that come with building a life.

Those are different buckets.

This particular bucket has one job.

To make sure you have the resources to get yourself somewhere safe and start over if you ever need to.

A broken refrigerator is an inconvenience.

Being trapped in an unsafe home because you cannot afford to leave is a whole different animal.

Don’t confuse the two.

And don’t let somebody talk you into emptying this account because they promise they’ll pay it back.

Maybe they will.

Maybe they won’t.

But if the day ever comes when you need that money, a promise to repay you next month isn’t going to buy you a hotel room tonight.

Treat it as though it doesn’t exist.

Let it grow.

Let it sit there quietly doing its job.

The best fucking insurance policy in the world is the one that’s still there when you need it.

But Griz, Aren’t Relationships Supposed to Be Built on Trust?

You’re goddamn right they are.

I believe in honesty between partners. I believe in sharing your life with someone, building something together, and having each other’s backs when the world decides to kick you both in the teeth.

I don’t generally advocate keeping things from the person you love.

But this?

This is my exception to that rule.

Because life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect.

Sometimes the person who promised you the world turns out to be the person you need to escape from.

Sometimes the sweet, thoughtful person you fell in love with slowly becomes controlling, manipulative, or downright dangerous.

And sometimes you don’t see the storm coming until you’re already standing in the middle of the goddamn hurricane.

I’ve got no crystal ball, and neither do you.

You can make what seems like the greatest choice in the world and still end up needing to leave.

That’s life.

People change. Circumstances change. Sometimes we discover things about people that we never imagined could be true.

And when that happens, I want you to have choices.

I want you to be able to grab your kids, grab your essentials, and get somewhere safe.

I want you to be able to pay for a hotel room, a tank of gas, a plane ticket, or the deposit on a new place.

I want you to be able to look at someone who thinks they’ve got you trapped and say:

“Fuck you. I’m leaving.”

And actually have the means to do it.

Because staying with someone should always be a choice made out of love.

Not a sentence you’re serving because you’re broke.

What If You Find the Right Person?

Well, shit. That’s the best part of this whole thing.

Let’s say you find yourself a wonderful partner.

Someone who respects you, loves you, makes you laugh, and doesn’t make you feel like you need an emergency escape hatch.

You build a beautiful life together. You get old. You retire. You spend your days enjoying the life you’ve built.

And that little account?

It’s been quietly growing all these years.

You never needed to use it.

Fucking fantastic!

Now you’ve got yourself a retirement bonus.

Throw it into your retirement savings.

Buy yourself something you’ve always wanted.

Or take one hell of a retirement vacation.

Go sit on a beach somewhere with a fruity drink, your toes in the sand, and absolutely no goddamn responsibilities.

Maybe take that wonderful partner with you.

Or don’t.

It’s your money. I ain’t your cruise director.

And if you’ve got a daughter of your own, maybe use some of it to help her build the same kind of financial independence.

That’s how we look out for the next generation.

One Last Thing From This Old Pirate

Parents, you cannot guarantee that your daughter will never have her heart broken.

You cannot guarantee that everyone she falls in love with will deserve her.

You cannot guarantee that the world will treat her fairly.

And no matter how badly you want to, you can’t always be there to rescue her when life goes sideways.

But you CAN teach her to protect herself.

You CAN teach her that love doesn’t mean surrendering her independence.

And you CAN help make sure she has the resources to walk away when walking away is the safest thing she can do.

This isn’t about teaching our daughters to distrust everyone.

It’s about teaching them that they deserve to be safe, respected, and free.

Raise your daughters to love with their whole hearts, but never let them be financially trapped by someone who doesn’t deserve that love.

Give them the tools to build a wonderful life.

And give them a way out if that life ever turns into a nightmare.

If they never need it, wonderful.

If they do, it might be the most important gift you ever gave them.

Every daughter deserves a little treasure chest of her own.

And every woman deserves the freedom to tell the wrong person to fuck off.

Keep your heart open, your eyes clear, and enough gold buried to sail away when you need to.

A note for anyone who needs that escape fund right now

If you’re in an unsafe relationship, money is only one part of getting to safety. A plan, trusted people, important documents, transportation, and a safe place to go can matter just as much.

You don’t have to figure all of that out alone.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you develop a personalized safety plan, including financial safety, whether you’re ready to leave or just trying to understand your options.
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