As I wait to get some counselling to help put my mental pieces back together in a logical manner, I have serious swings.
Yes, I am safe. My friends and family are safe.
I am selective over the environments that I place myself in. Not because of the anxiety or blood pressure so much as the pent up rage.
I remain fairly sequestered, only travelling to areas where I have an easy out. Places that I may escape the moment, perhaps simply stepping away to vape as a good excuse to gather my thoughts or repress saying/doing something that would be not well taken.
Here is my concern for non-work situations. When at the office, I have been trying to stay on the property. Our local government has taken a VERY soft approach to the homeless situation (I was gen x homeless and it was a different way of homelessness) as well as crime in general. This shift has fostered a cultural change, where there is a greater sense of entitlement. The individuals roaming in the city blocks around my office are expecting sheep that they can push. I am not that sheep, even when my marbles are more in their correct order.
In my current state of mind, being accosted by someone on the street, would be quite newsworthy. My bitch switch is on the surface and about a foot in diameter. Anyone pushing that switch would very likely be met with a rapid and cruel response with no remorse until some point after, if ever.
In the office, I have almost nothing but loved friends, with a couple of those that I am friendly with as professionals. There are some that I am meh with and as of recently some that I would just as soon use as a tire chock at the local truck stop. It is the latter that concerns me. Do I have the mental strength to fend off any mental attacks (real or perceived) in a manner that will allow me to remain employed.
My wife does a great job checking in to see how I am doing. Well, at home, under her watchful eyes (she does not miss anything and it can be startling at times. 🙂 ) I am doing well. I feel fine, seem fine. I express what is going on. There are things that I do not really know how to express.